The Yoga of Relationships: Letting Go Of Need

Jamie Silverstein
The Yoga of Relationships: Letting Go Of Need

The Dalai Lama writes that we must: "Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other." Simply, he reminds us that love trumps need. Period. And, when we think about it, this just makes sense. Love is not an obligation or a vice. Love is an offering. Yet, too often in relationships we find ourselves needing to be something for someone. Or, just pain needing. The questions begs: how can we let our love lead the way?

I remember a break-up once where my partner told me that, although I had "so much" that he "wanted", I did not have what he "needed." At the time, I was devastated. I sat with his words for months. How could I be so wanted and not needed? And, then, it occurred to me...

Being wanted and not needed is exactly how a healthy relationship should function

When we need too dependently, we forget that we are all already enough. Yes. You are independently already enough. This is what love proffers to us. Love says to us: YOU are complete. Love is not a need to be filled, but is wholly fulling as it is.

See, what I've come to realize though (through my own 'failed' relationships- seriously: thank you!) is that you need to need yourself. Needing yourself is valid. This is where your self-respect lies. Then, when you've personally fulfilled these needs, love can flow freely. It is only when we look outward to quantify our worth that things get itchy. Remember, your OWN need metric is the only one you have to answer to!

The goal of love is more love

I once read somewhere that the 'goal' of yoga was yoga. The act IS the end. If we are practicing union, the end is union. In this way, love is the same. The goal of love is love. The goal of love is not hierarchy or reciprocity or dependency. Nowhere does love say: 'I need you (to)...'. If anything, love says: 'I AM you...'. The goal of love is more love.

So, how do we let love lead the way? Start with you! Take the time to find yourself. Then, love will naturally speak from a heartfelt space. That's all you 'need' to do.